SPD 2: cruise control*

My wife is now over fifteen weeks pregnant. Our new creation is apparently the size of an apple. But a big apple, like a cooking apple or a New York City. It's not really the size of a New York City. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be for her? The cooking apple is causing enough trouble as it is.

It's interesting to compare and contrast the effects of this pregnancy with the previous one. I think that, by this stage the last time around, the phenomenally unbearable itching had begun its assault on my wife's physical and psychological comfort. Mercifully, thus far, this ordeal has failed to present itself to her. I'd give my right arm to keep it that way. And I'm right-handed.

One symptom from which she is suffering once again is the propensity to fall asleep at about 9pm every day. This could, of course, be related to the infinitely energetic one year-old with whom she now spends most of her time - a factor which was absent from the prior gestation, being as it was the gestation of said one year-old, some time before she became a one year-old. The onus, then, is on me to step up the level of assistance I provide. I'm trying to do so, although one thing I have learned from a combination of parenthood and my instinctively lazy nature is that you can and should always try a bit harder. And I will.

The symptom whose return we feared the most has now, sadly, come back to haunt my wife's existence. Furthermore, it has embarked upon this haunting earlier than it did before. My understanding (assisted by Christine Hill at ivillage.co.uk) of SPD, or Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is thus:

The human pelvis is actually made of three bones which meet at the front and sides, where they are held in 'fixed' joints (the one at the front called the symphysis pubis) by determined ligaments which create the illusion I always shared with most other people: that the pelvis is one, uninterrupted bone. Only pregnancy dispels this myth, when production of the hormone relaxin is increased to help these ligaments do some relaxin' in preparation for the birth. So far, so sensible. But the dysfunction occurs when the relaxin starts the relaxin' too early.

Imagine, if you will then, your pelvis splitting in two down the front, each half grinding on the other every time you put any weight on it. This is what my wife went through for several months when pregnant before, and now knows that she will suffer for even longer this time. By the time she was in labour with our daughter, she literally could not move for the pain the SPD caused her, rendering the hormone's name ironic at best. It is apparently normal for victims of this affliction to be struck again, and worse, during any subsequent pregnancy.

This normality offers no consolation. And with the aforementioned bundle of energy to chase around the house, I am frankly astounded by my wife's ability to not crumple in a small heap of despair in the corner. Opinion is divided as to any possible treatment for this affliction. Some say physiotherapy can help; others that there is nothing you can do whatsoever. We're going to try physiotherapy. In the meantime, as I have said, I need to up my game. On which note I'm off to clean the bathroom.

*I fully acknowledge that the "cruise control" element of this post's title is entirely inappropriate and quite possibly insensitive. But what sort of a man would turn down the opportunity to make a heavily contrived reference to such a landmark of modern cinema?